"I was lost. Abandoned. And I had made it worse by sending him away, as if I was suffering a hurt I wanted to feel as painfully as I could on my own and wanted it to be as bad as it could be. Not that I understood what this hurt was. But whatever it was it seemed to well up from the pit of my stomach, in fact from my womb, causing an earthquake inside me. It made me tremble and found its way out in gasps and gulps and tears and howls which I tried to smother with a pillow. Panic took hold. I felt that if I let myself go, gave into it, I’d completely lose control."