But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God.He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit. -1 Peter 3:15-18
Even after all of my up and downs, back and forths, constant bipolarity- what is the reason for my hope? After being let down by people, life, discouragements, HEALTH time and time again. How do I still have HOPE? Even I don’t understand. It’s something beyond me. It’s not something I chose to do. God chose me. If anything, hoping is the most exhausting and tiring thing ever. Yet the Holy Spirit continues to reside within me as my physical human body goes through its up and downs while living this life on earth. I can’t even begin to describe into words how is it possible that I still get up everyday and go about my day. I can’t say I “have it the worst”, but I honestly cannot lie and say my life is easy breezy beautiful (covergirl) despite what appears to be a pretty damn good life.
Here is the best I can explain in words. Because now, I think I really will be ready to always give the reason for my hope to anyone who asks, to give my testimony, my story of my relationship with my Father.
I would not be here without Him. And I don’t mean it metaphorically. I physically would not be here today if God did not chose me. Because I would have decided to take my life a long time ago. And please, CTFD, I’m not suicidal. Let me explain.
I would have absolutely no reason to live. You are in a fairytale land if you think what you see and know about me (even as one of my best friends) is all it is. That just because I go about my day to the most regulary way possible that it’s fully acceptable, bearable and honestly hey ‘pretty good’. Of course, everyone has had suicidal thoughts at some point in their life, but I could never actually BE suicidal. Why? Because God has always been with me since the day I was born. And I know it with all my heart. I know this more than anything else I know. No matter how angry I may be at him when circumstances in life arise- I know this one thing is true. That He is there with me from the Beginning to the End. On my side. I have been in His plan since The Beginning. But if He was not. let me tell you, in that parallel universe, a life without God. I, Doris J, would have without a doubt, killed myself. Some say in their parallel universe, they would do all the drugs in the world, party, have all the sex, live the amazing hedonistic life. If there was no God and He was not my God, my father, my Savior, my best friend. Me, I would have just taken my life very early on. Sounds pretty cowardice, no? But that is the person I’d be without God in my life. ‘What is the point for a someone like me? Someone born deformed from a genetic mutation causing a skeletal dyplasia. I’m physically retarded, ugly in society’s eyes, disabled, handicapped, which would then ultimately MAKE me an ugly personal on the inside too because I’d be full of ONLY insecurities, hate, bitterness, anger.’ And without Him I’d never win over these insecurities and they would have gotten the best of me and made me say bye bye world many many years ago already. Yes, of course I have insecurities today, as does anyone else, but with God on my side I also have hope. Faith. Strength. Joy. Passion. Love. A purpose for life. All of which confidently, and unabashedly WINS.
I still unfortunately do not know what I am doing and am often thoroughly confused. I still don’t have it figured out. I just know that I am certain that there is not one aspect, not one inch of both my spiritual and physical being that is me w/o God. There is no such thing. There would be no such thing. As Doris without God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit.
Despite cruel, demeaning, belittling words, dirty looks, pointed fingers, assumptions, judgments I get from society, I can stand here today at 26 boldly and say fuck you to all the assholes and haters by continuing to just do me as I try to figure Life out. I don’t even need to lift a middle finger or utter any words verbally.
So f*ck you to all the douchebags in the world who ever violated my being and my existence, I win.